Mola Mola: Boss Ass Fish

Sunfish2Not to be mistaken with Boss Ass Bitch, the Mola Mola is TGL’s Boss Ass Fish. Also known as the Ocean Sunfish, this bad motherfucker is the true big-spending king of the ocean. This title often gets unjustifiably given to the “great” blue whale, but everyone knows that all they do is moan and eat plankton. Only bitches eat plankton. So what makes the Mola Mola so pimped out that it deserves its own post? We have a five very good reasons.

1. It’s fucking huge. And size matters. Weighing up to two thousand fishy kilograms (TGL has decided to move to the metric system), the ocean sunfish is considered the heaviest “bony fish” in existence. And last time I checked, to be a boss, you need to have bones. From this fact alone, the ocean sunfish is already the Jigga of the sea kingdom.

derp2. The main diet of the Mola Mola is JELLYFISH! That is so fantastically awesome in so many ways I can’t adequately describe my excitement in words. First of all, jellyfish are basically floating bags of poison, and the Mola Mola are just throwing them back like dry roasted almonds. What’s for dinner? Shiny bags of poison? Dope. But aside from the fact that sunfish are chomping on poison bags, jellyfish are basically the psychoactive drugs of the ocean. I’m pretty sure jellyfish can induce LSD trips in humans upon sighting, they’re so fucking cool looking. Aquariums might as well be renamed giant-jellyfish-tanks-with-some-other-shit because everyone’s staring googly-eyed at jellyfish the whole time anyways. This draws me to the hypothesis that sunfish are just super chilled out hippie fish that are attracted towards their acid-trip-inducing jelly friends as they roam the ocean. Nom.

3. It eats a SHIT TON of jellyfish. Unfortunately for our Mola Mola friends, jellyfish are horribly deficient in nutritional value. Does this mean that the sunfish should find new kinds of prey? Wrong! Just eat more jellyfish! Yes, the Mola Mola actually just eat a fuck load of jellyfish to compensate for the lack of sustenance. Boss ass fish.

Mola Mola Ocean sun fish4. IT’S JUST A FISH HEAD WITH FINS. Can things get any better than a giant fish that weighs two tons and garfields jellyfish on a daily basis? It can! Let’s discuss the appearance of the Mola Mola. Like, are you serious? Mola Mola’s are so boss they don’t even need bodies. Can you imagine what a human would look like if it was just a head with arms and legs? I sure can’t–but I know that it would be one boss ass human. Germans call the sunfish, Schwimmender Kopf, meaning “swimming head.” The Polish call the sunfish, samogłów, meaning “head alone.” And in English, we call it the sunfishbecause it likes to sunbathe. Sunbathe! The Mola Mola is known for habitually swimming to the ocean surface so that it turn on its side and tan. Any fish that tans is a god damn boss. #GTL.

5. They’re go ham in mating. If you aren’t convinced that this big derp-faced fish-head isn’t the biggest boss in the sea, then you only need to hear one more fact. Female Mola Mola can release more than 300 million eggs at a time during mating. Skeet skeet mother fucker.

Boss. Ass. Fish.