I’m currently stuck on level 350, but the light at the end of the tunnel is becoming brighter and brighter. As my journey through the chocolate fields and marshmallow forests comes to a saddening close, I rub my non-existent chin beard and ponder, “Oh the lessons I’ve learned.” Candy crush, an amazing game if played in the right circumstances (pooping), has been the best activity for my boredom since learning how to masturbate. I owe you the world, Candy Crush.
Before diving into our lessons, let’s start with some basic terminology that I use when talking about Candy Crush:
Disco ball: Result of connecting 5 candies of the same color in a row.
Wrapper: Result of connecting 5 candies of the same color in a T-shape, holy cross, or L-shape.
Stripes: Result of connecting 4 candies of the same color in a row.
Chocolates: Those shitty bricks that eat your candies if you don’t kill them.
Bomb: The ticking candies that kill you in a certain number of turns.
Tickets: The way to earn more levels via Facebook friends. 3 tickets allows for 15 more levels.
Now, you don’t really need to have ever played the game to understand these following lessons. If you get confused, well, I’m sorry. Let’s begin with lesson…
10. It’s better to be lucky than good. All experienced Candy Crushers–nod your head in agreement. Once you get to the triple-digit levels, the game basically decides to throw you a huge ratfuck curveball once every 20-30 levels. These ratfuck levels take very minimal skill and require the stars to align just to even have a fucking shot. A couple disco balls falling out of the sky by sheer chance is usually what gets you over the hump. Just like in Candy Crush, sometimes life presents you with a coin–you have only one flip.
9. Work as a team and you will succeed, work alone and you might succeed. When I first started crushing, I didn’t know anyone else who played. I got stuck without tickets every 15 levels and had to play the retarded quests to advance to farther levels. Of course, this was a painstakingly slow process. Once I was able to recruit several friends to join me in my adventure, we started to give each other tickets when we needed them so we could advance instantly. To my crushing buddies, I salute you. There’s always a way to trudge on through life’s hardships alone, but why waste the effort? There’s no ‘I’ in team. There’s also no ‘I’ in Candy Crush.
8. Travel the world. The world is an exciting and amazing place! There are so many cultures to experience, foods to eat, sights to see. When crushing, I’ve learned time and time again that each new place presents new exciting adventures. Well, this is true until you get to about level 250, and the lazy, piece of shit game designers run out of ideas. How hard is it to come up with new kinds of candy? Side lesson: stop traveling once you’ve experienced all the interesting countries–there are some seriously shitty countries out there.
7. Perseverance is essential. Remember how I said being lucky is better than being good? Well, sometimes Lady Luck likes to take a shit in your mouth and wipe her ass with your nose. For moments like those, you need the heart of a lion to never back down, never give up. A disco ball will fall next to a stripes if you’re patient. Believe it!
6. Know your friends well, but know your enemies better. Many a time I’ve been busy gawking at a soon-to-be disco ball, not even noticing that a bomb in the corner of the screen is one turn away from blowing up. Many a time I’ve been getting my dick hard planning out the marriage of a stripes and wrapper, but chocolate is sneakily spreading across the top of my screen, cutting off my candy supply. Always be aware of your enemies–they will come and haunt you if left unchecked.
5. Context is everything. What’s the point of a wrapper-wrapper combination when all you need is to clear one jelly in the corner of the screen? What’s the point of being rich when you have no time to spend your money? Value your assets in context.
4. Big moments make big memories. Ever combined two disco balls together? Don’t try it unless you have some tissues nearby. This flashy, glamorous candy-annihilating sequence is worth all of the struggle it takes to create. The same thing is true in life. The first job offer, the first promotion, the first surprise pinky, all of these things make you realize that the hard work paid off. Live for the big moments and cherish them, they don’t happen very often.
3. Life is random. Never depend on statistics. Situation: I have one jelly left to clear in a hard to reach location, and I have at least 20 moves left. Guaranteed victory right? Wrong–I get careless and still end up losing. Moral of the story? Don’t lean on probabilities, they’re guides not crystal balls. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t take probabilities into account when making life decisions, but always be skeptical about everything. There is always a chance that something you don’t expect to happen, will happen. Don’t be surprised when life throws you curveballs, expect them and respond appropriately.
2. Money can buy happiness, but only to a certain extent. In Candy Crush, you can buy all sorts of handy in-game items. While these paid bonuses will indeed make the game more fun for the time being, the greater satisfaction achieved by crushing levels is hollowed out. I’ve personally never spent a penny on the game, but I know several who’ve deeply regretted their decision to contribute to the pile of cash that is Candy Crush. Success is not quite as sweet when its handed to you. Money can indeed buy you happiness in the form of material possessions, but what happens once there’s nothing more to buy? Greater happiness comes with real achievement. Real achievement comes with effort.
1. Do your research. Veritas vos liberabit. You will be successful if you do your research. And what does it mean to be successful? I think it means to be the very best person that you can possibly put forth for the world. The makers of Candy Crush did their research. They studied the slot machines in Vegas, they studied gaming psychology, they studied social media, they did all of their homework. Now they’re raking in millions like it’s nothing. And they deserve it! Learn, learn, and keep learning–you will be successful. You will be #geared.