I’m sure most of you at this point have seen Key and Peele’s hilarious sketch titled East West Bowl . In short, they created a ridiculous parody on the absurd names populating collegiate and professional football. They have recently come out with a second installment that really busted my balls.
Having been captivated by the players created by Key and Peele, I decided that I wanted more information on these incredible characters. So I looked into their background, scanned some data, conducted interviews and got a better idea of who these guys really are.
Coznesster Smiff – Rutgers University
Coznesster Smiff flew under the radar most of the year, despite having an outstanding 2013 campaign. Often criticized for his lack of enthusiasm and motivation, Smiff came up big for the Scarlet Knights week in and week out. Despite being the target of local Rutgers University police for his entire career, Smiff continues to sell weed to 3rd graders as well as running a fake non-profit organization and maintaining multiple girlfriends at the same time. Cozznester credits his perennial success to keeping a straight face when the pressure heats up.
|Year||Children left fatherless||Cigarette revenue from St. Margaret's Elementary School|
Elipses Corter – University of Alabama
Elipses Corter was very highly touted coming out of Little Bethany’s School for Those Who Are Gifted In Ways Other Than Intelligence (LBSTWAGIWOTI), and the fact that he made this team is a mere formality. You probably won’t get much out of actually talking to Elipses, as he has a difficult time forming cohesive thoughts and sentences. Even though he doesn’t understand the concept of “defense,” he somehow has managed to be one of the top linebackers in the nation for the last 4 years.
|Year||IQ||# of the letter 'a's he thinks are in 'Alabama'|
Nyquillus Dillwad – Louisiana State University
It amazes me that Nyquillus Dillwad is so gifted at the game of football, given a severe stroke has left him unable to keep his head straight for more than 3 seconds at a time. However, Dillwad, always looking for ways to take advantage of his situation, has been able to peer up many a girl’s skirt as he blames his dysfunctional cerebellum. I look forward to seeing how Dillwad approaches making the switch from safety to cornerback with his head at a 90-degree angle.
|Year||Water lost to lisp (gallons)||Vision|
Bismo Funyuns – Florida State University
Bismo Funyuns is one of the angriest human beings I have ever spoken to, and it is this quality specifically that makes him such a great football player. Do not, and I repeat, DO NOT, make the mistake of asking him if he actually likes Funyuns.
|Year||Funyuns/Fritos ratio||Average body temperature|
Deactholac Mango – Georgia Tech University
Decatholac Mango is easily one of the most intriguing players on this year’s East squad. Claiming to be a follower of six different world religions, he has never actually practiced a day in his life, as practices always coincide with a sacred day of worship. Conveniently, he does not practice Judaism so he is always available for Saturday game days. I sincerely look forward to watching Mango take his talents and his prayers to the next level.
|Year||Richard Dawkins books burned||Wives|
Mergatroid Skittle – University of Louisville
Speaking with Mergatroid Skittle gives you the idea that he isn’t the most confident guy of all time. When I asked him why he dons such a large bandana covering most of his face at all times, he told me it was because his “forehead is uglier than Rosie O’Donnell and that fat girl I fucked combined.” Despite the lack of confidence in his aesthetic appearance, Skittle continues to strike fear into the hearts of opponents.
|Year||Underbite ranking (1-5)||Bandana coverage %|
Quiznatodd Bidness – University of Tennessee
No matter how bad you want to like Quiznatodd Bidness as a player and a person, he can’t go much more than a couple hours without making a bonehead play. Like the time he slobbered all over the joint. Or the time he backwashed into the bottle of whiskey. Or even when he got your dog to lick peanut butter off his balls. Any way you look at it, Bidness is a high risk-low reward player, better known as a “ratfuck.”
|Year||Diameter of right cheek mole (cm)||Times masturbated into Pringles can|
D’Pez Poopsie – University of Mississippi
After struggling to get through a conversation with D’Pez Poopsie, I finally think I understand what this guy is all about. He says that in order for him to perform at this level, he really has to “slow the game down.” Poopsie may have overdone it in this regard. Even for the guy that coined the term “chillers,” I think it’s time to rev the engines up a bit.
|Year||Xanax per game||% brain cells remaining|
Quackadilly Blip – Auburn University
Quackadilly Blip is one of the most eccentric players to ever step foot on a college football field. Opponents and teammates complain of being “creeped out” by Blip and for good reason. Although no one knows why, Quackadilly is not allowed to go within 1 mile of any Toys ‘R’ Us (usually that distance is only 100 yards). Additionally, he tells reporters of waking up every Wednesday morning outside of Long John Silver’s, not having remembered what happened the night before. He lists Quagmire from Family Guy as his major role model in life.
|Year||Restraining orders against||condoms worn|
Goolius Boozler – University of Miami
Goolius Boozler is known as one of the biggest partiers not only at the University of Miami, but in the entire city of Miami. Claiming that doing ecstasy at Ultra Music Festival was just “pregaming” for the week to come, Boozler said he rattled off nine consecutive days under the influence. Some of his Miami teammates mentioned that Boozler’s pregame ritual involves ketamine, although they failed to elaborate on the specifics.
|Year||Fellatio given/received ratio||Rim jobs given to Cuban girls|
Bisquiteen Trisket – University of Michigan
Bisquiteen Trisket is one of those guys that you know is constantly planning something but you can never quite put your finger on it. Take for example, the time he turned an old radio into a device that allowed him to spy on his coach having sex with his wife. Or the time when he stole Kim Jong Un’s identity and made North Korea even worse. Imagination is the only limit on Trisket’s raw potential.
|Year||Senators kidnapped||Nuclear warheads developed|
Fartrell Cluggins – University of Arkansas
We all know that guy who’s farts smell unnecessarily bad. You may find yourself wondering, “are you digesting food or creating a new element?” Yes, we ALL know that guy. Well take that guy, make him have sex with Jabba the Hut after he devoured 15 Ewoks, and the resulting offspring still wouldn’t do justice to Fartrell Cluggins.
|Year||Total sulfur emission (liters)||Janitor friends|
Blyrone Blashington – Syracuse University
If you’re wondering about Blyrone Blashington’s strange voice, then you’re not alone. I spoke with his mother, Le’De’Blyrina Blashington, and she informed me that at the ripe age of 5, young Washington walked in on her using a strap-on to have anal sex with her boyfriend. Blyrone went into a state of permanent shock and surprise that still confounds him today.
|Year||Land Before Time IV: Journey Through the Mists viewings||Nightmares|
Cartoons Plural – Virginia Tech
Cartoons Plural committed his first breaking-and-entering crime at the Young Brudda’s Daycare at the age of three. He used a Super Soaker 3000 to convince all the girls to grind on him for a minute each while he played various 50 Cent and Ja Rule tracks. It is this kind of manipulative behavior that has allowed Plural excel on the football field.
|Year||% full moustache||7-Eleven holdups|
Jammie Jammie-Jammie – Ohio State University
Jammie Jammie-Jammie had an outstanding year en route to winning the Heisman trophy. Some wonder, however, if his abuse of certain substances might enhance his ability on the football field. Despite having a nosebleed every time I have talked with him, Jammie-Jammie strongly maintains that he has never even seen a drug in his life. Additionally, he points out, he was “ done raised as a good Catholic boy” and would “never want to disappoint Mama.”
|Year||Lines of cocaine/play||Pupil diameter (cm)|
Fudge – N/A
Not enough can be said about the commitment Fudge has made to his body in pursuit of gridiron greatness. Anytime you see a 350-pound running back, you know he is doing something right. It isn’t everyday you come across a guy who’s only item on his iPhone is the Dunkin’ Donuts App. Rumor has it that Fudge has challenged himself to eat 35 McRib sandwiches from McDonald’s in a single sitting. If he fails this challenge, he has pledged to donate a $25 Arby’s gift card to the National Eating Disorders Association. You’ve got to love a guy who gives back.
|Year||Birth weight (lbs)||Chins|
Judging from the looks of the East squad, Todd McShay and Mel Kiper are going to have their hands full putting together their Big Boards come April. Yes, Jammie-Jammie was the Heisman winner and yes, Fudge does have an NFL-ready body. But you just can’t overlook guys like Bisquiteen Trisket or Decatholac Mango who bring intriguing skillsets to the table. It’s always fun to speculate which players will transition smoothly to the professional game, but you just never know if, for example, Cartoons Plural will be able to get arrested with the likes of Pacman Jones and Aaron Hernandez. Only time will tell.
Stay #geared my friends.