Ask anyone to name three comic strips off of the top of their head, and you can almost guarantee Garfield will be one of them. Jim Davis’ iconic chronicle of America’s favorite cat has undoubtedly permeated our culture with its astonishingly predictable themes and punch lines. For those of you uncultured folks, Garfield is a notoriously fat and lazy, lasagna-loving, Monday-hating cat who lives with his dweeb owner, Jon Arbuckle, and Jon’s semi-retarded dog, Odie. Like all comic strips, Garfield is written with a spectacularly minuscule amount of creativity. Don’t get me wrong–I love comic strips–but let’s be frank: a comic strip requires absolutely no creative juices past the initial idea. If you’re disagreeing with me right now, let’s use Garfield as an example. Since June of 1978, there have been a million fucking Garfield comic strips produced. But if you’ve read them all like I have, then you know that one of 5 things happens in every single strip: 1) Garfield steals Jon’s meal, 2) Garfield ruin’s one of Jon’s dates, 3) Garfield talks to mice, 4) Garfield kicks Odie off the table, or 5) Garfield eats something unappealing like flowers or spiders. Every fucking strip is some variation of those 5 things. Does it matter? No. Do I still love Garfield? Of course. Comic strips aren’t novels, so we’re okay here–nobody is basing comic strips.
Now, to get to the point of this post, Garfield has an absurdly awesome skill that everyone who’s read a strip of Garfield knows about. It’s called Garfielding. That envious thought you get when you see Garfield open his huge mouth and throw back a huge bowl of cartoon gruel? That is the jealousy taking over your body as you wish you could pull a Garfield. Of course humans may never be able to truly Garfield their meals due to throat hole diameter limitations and the lack of self grinding stomachs (lucky ass cows), but it’s our duty to do our best. Let’s define Garfielding.
1. The act of rapidly consuming a full sized meal, without breathing, talking–and often–chewing
2. Swallowing copious amounts of food prior to taste sensation
3. Holding any large container of consumable goods up to one’s mouth with one hand, and using the other hand to tilt the container at a steep angle until all consumable goods have been transferred from the container to the stomach
Anyone who’s ordered the 50 piece McNugget deal past 2 am on a drinking night can be certain that they’ve Garfielded before. That extremely satisfying feeling of downing a heap of food you’ve barely even tasted stands next to nothing. Some have even speculated about the presence of “throat buds” that line your esophagus and result in an extremely pleasurable sensation when stimulated by copious amounts of food. Garfielding is a common symptom of marijuana or alcohol usage, but not to be mistaken with munchies or drunchies, where the latter terms refer more to the desire for eating as opposed to the technique. Garfielding requires talent, diligence, and most importantly, ambition. Sometime you have to realize that food isn’t about tasting or savoring, its about raw athleticism and power.
The next time you face an overboiled, soggy pot of macaroni and cheese, realize that you’re being presented with an opportunity to Garfield.
Lift, and swallow. Garfielding is #geared.