Jabba the Hutt.
Everyone knows Jabba the Hutt–the iconic gangster alien from Star Wars known for taming his bitches and taking bong loads of that chronic alien kush. The problem is that everyone sees Jabba in the same typical bad-guy way. They don’t see the true greatness of his character. Jabba’s short lived appearance on Star Wars gives us but a brief window of his long illustrious life. Now, I’m sure that Star Wars meth junkies created a secret backstory on Jabba the Hutt in the 80’s, but I’m going to pretend like they didn’t. I think Jabba the Hutt’s backstory is meant to be something left up to the viewer’s imagination. What was that wrinkly, green scrotum actually doing with his life before his encounter with Leia and company? I think I know.
Jabba fucking ran shit. Jabba the Hutt is the biggest space pimp to ever exist in a work of science fiction. From what I can gather from the movie, there is no doubt in my mind that Jabba the Hutt got more pussy than anybody within 100 light years of Tattooine. While we only saw Jabba take a run at Leia and a few of those smurf chicks with penises growing out of their heads, there’s significant reason to believe that Jabba the Hutt was consistently getting pussy. Imagine all those years of Jabba sitting on his throne, ruling over his sandy ghetto with an iron fist. An iron fist that has probably touched more vaginas than Wilt Chamberelain. If Beyonce had lived on Tattooine you had better believe that Jabba would have have that tapped that ass more than once. It really makes you wonder what all the girls we’re saying behind his back. “Ugh, I have to fuck Jabba tonight again, last night he made me go down on him for 4 hours!” I don’t think the girls really enjoyed it, but I’m sure that at some point in Jabba’s life there was a special someone who saw past the gruff exterior. I’d like to think that Jabba was in love at one point.
If Jabba being in love creeps you out, then let me comfort you with these soft words: Jabba blazes fat. Look. This guy is Al Capone, he gets the bomb-ass dank-ass skunkgunk purp skurps. Its also clear that Jabba’s body type isn’t made for transportation; this guy is the most stationary dude to ever live. Jabba gets up only to shit, fuck, and watch pod races. I wouldn’t be surprised if he goes weeks in a row without moving off that slimey rock-slab he calls his couch. The guy just chills hard and blazes his eyeballs into cherries. Pretty sweet life I’d say.
After careful consideration, I think it’s safe to assume that Jabba the Hutt is a fucking pimp. He’s the only guy to ever pull off a body like that and still get more ass than Usher. And what the fuck is a Hutt? Nothing but respect, Jabba. Nothing but respect.
– Harrison Ford