9 Absurd Things that Los Angelites Love

Here in the City of Angels resides a population that all marketing and advertisement firms dream of: a huge mob of rich zombies that will buy into anything. In LA, even the craziest ideas are able to gain enough traction to become ‘trendsetting.’ This rapidly conforming city spawns some of the most ridiculous sub-cultures that permeate our society so deeply that we forget to realize how ridiculous they are. Here are just few:

1. Organic/Free range/Raw/Eco/etc. Anything

USDA_organic_sealAll synonyms for ‘unprocessed’ or ‘natural’ have become explosively marketable in the last few years. While honorable in concept, these types of goods are, without a doubt–dogshit. From the awfully subjective criteria for calling a food “organic,” to the idea that chickens are better off in a tiny fenced area as opposed to a really tiny fenced area, these marketing experts are really giving everyone a banana in the tailpipe. I mean, some people are even convinced that this dirty, yellow sugar called “raw sugar” is better for you. For fuck’s sake it’s fucking sugar. Nevertheless, people are throwing money away like it’s Magic Johnson’s jizz rag. But you know what? Go ahead and pay more for your tiny ass strawberries and wormy sour apples. That just means more steroid fruits for the rest of us.

2. Shitty Startups

Everyone wants to be rich. What is the fastest way of becoming rich? Having your startup blow up. What’s the most difficult part of being an entrepreneur? Risk and capital. What am I getting at? Every spoiled little brat in LA is sucking from the parental teet, which makes risk = zero, and capital = huge. Unfortunately, this results in a wave of 20-somethings running around trying to make it big by trying everything from reusable toilet paper to custom utensils. Don’t get me wrong, I wholeheartedly believe that young entrepreneurs are the key to the future.  And yes you’re right, I’m definitely bitter that I don’t have the balls to drop my life and just go for it, but at least I’m not spamming everyone and their mothers begging for donations to my busted Kickstarter. The only thing that’s going to be kickstarted is my thumb in your asshole.

3. Brand Name Water Bottles

fiji waterFirst of all, buying water bottles by itself is already retarded. You’re voluntarily giving someone money for one of the few remaining free substances on the planet. Secondly, just because it has some slick sounding name like Glacéau doesn’t mean it came directly from some trendy Euro-glacier. It really just means that some ratfuck at Coca-Cola just duped you into a 4 dollar water bottle. Sucks to suck. Hey dude who’s holding that big ass Fiji bottle, not only can you not fit that stupid square bottom into a cup holder, but your girlfriend is gonna strap it on  later and fuck you with it.

4. Porsche Carreras

porscheEvery finance doucher in LA saves up during their 20s to buy a Porsche Carrera so that they can finally leap into that next tier of cool.  And even if you can somehow justify your heartless career of cleverly disguised embezzlement, have some fucking creativity. These things are becoming more common than Honda Civics.

5. Being Active in the Community

funny-protest-signsObviously there are good cases of this, but I’m here to highlight the majority of what happens in LA. The social activist bandwagons here are a fully fledged plague. Invisible Children? Scam. Kony? Scam. Non-profit anything? Must be a bunch of really great, honest people trying to help the world! Too bad the guys protesting troops being overseas are the same guys screaming to help Syria. The bottom line? Hold the Facebook status until you’ve actually educated yourself on the topic. And your hashtag didn’t save a single malaria victim in Africa. #dumbass

6. Being Vegan

I have a lot of vegan friends. I feel like I’ve tried to ask them several times what their reasons are for torturing themselves as such, however my investigation has remained fruitless. I seriously think that most people become vegan purely to conform to some New Age, hipster-Buddhist ideal. My argument against being vegan isn’t even related to the fact that meat is truly delicious–which could stand alone as reason enough to not be vegan. My anti-veganism stems from two simple arguments. First, being vegan is generally unhealthy. It’s difficult enough to acquire necessary nutrients as a vegetarian, but vegan?! Practically impossible.  Simply put, vegans depend too much on carbs and soy products; chronically dousing your body with glucose, phytoestrogens, and gluten is bound to take its toll. Secondly, this pro-life, animal rights crusade spearheaded by vegans is outrageous. Ever think how a plant feels when you rip them out of the ground and grind their body to shreds?  On this planet, life eats life.

7. Half-marathons

joggingIt feels like there’s a half-marathon every fucking week here. I get the whole idea of working to accomplish something and feeling good about yourself but can’t you put that effort towards something else that doesn’t lead directly to rheumatoid arthritis? Long distance running has been demonstrated time and time again to be a self-damaging form of exercise, yet LA chums are still clogging up traffic regularly in their hot pink Nike Frees and lululemon spandex shorts. With entry fees exceeding a hunnid bucks, marathons might be the worst value purchase of all time–next to renting bowling shoes.

8. Juice Cleanses

juiceEvery successful “healthy juice” business owner is laughing their ass off because they can’t believe how many LA zombies took the bait on this one. Now, there are two categories of juices I am referring to: those that taste good, and those that taste like shit. Which type of juice am I hating on? Both, of course. Let’s start with the miraculous healthy juices that happen to taste good. Have you ever tried making a healthy smoothie that tastes good? And by healthy I mean you can’t add fruit juice (sugar water), a ton of bananas (sugar sticks), or a bucket of strawberries (sugar balls). If you’ve tried, you know that all healthy drinks taste like a baby’s asshole. Moral of the story? All tasty juices have a fuck-load of sugar. Now that we’ve established that, you might ask me, “so it’s worth buying the shitty-tasting healthy juices right?” And I might backhand you in the mouth. If I have to explain to you why it’s not worth spending 8 bucks on cold pressed kale juice, then I might also have to explain to you why not its not worth it to hold up a metal pole in the middle of a lightning storm.

9. Yoga

yogaThis is sort of a hard one for me to bash on because I actually enjoy doing yoga. Nonetheless, I will concede that yoga in essence is fucking retarded. While I do believe that there are some health-related benefits to yoga, contorting your body into positions that are stressful on the joints and nervous tissue for extended periods of time is questionable at best. Improved relaxation doesn’t come from treating your body like a rubber band, it comes from meditation and tranquility–both of which are conveniently provided by yoga.  But believe me when I say that standing on your head has zero health benefits. And guess what, turning up the temperature in the room doesn’t make it any better (sweating and panting does not mean you are exercising, FYI). What really bothers me about yoga is the horseshit about “hormone release” and other [insert fake-science mumbo jumbo]. If you read bogus articles like this, you’ll see that yoga is touted for “improving confidence, strength, and relaxation while reducing stress.” Yeah oookay. Sure, standing in an awkward pose for 30 minutes will probably be a bit of a workout on your legs, but that’s 29 minutes of free time you just missed out on if you had done 15 squats instead. My point? Don’t really have one, but I’m late to yoga. Peace out ~