10 Ways to Spot a Meathead

Meatheads are an everlasting breed of humans; their culture permeates deep into our society. They are difficult to ignore and even more difficult to avoid. Meatheads are everywhere.

The first important thing to note about Meatheads is that they consist of both men and women; however Meatheads of the latter class are somewhat of a rare phenomenon. Meathead mentality is likely attributed to a primitive mode of human sexual selection. In prehistoric times, the strongest hunter was likely waking up in the morning with sweet cavewoman ass. Now, since we don’t have buffalo roaming wildly in the cities to shoot down and present to our sexual counterpart, what’s the second best option? Getting shredded. We might not be able to take down a Woolly mammoth and bring you back some meat, but we sure look like we can!

Because Meatheads are so pervasive in our society, it’s best that we be able to spot them so that we can adjust our behavior accordingly. They hide in plain sight and have visible symptoms that make them easy to recognize. Here are just a few:

1. Shoulder shrugs


Meatheads love shrugs. Shrugs are a totally useless exercise for the purpose of daily life activities–they work a muscle group that really has no purpose except to make you look like you’re wearing a permanent neck pillow under your shirt. It’s almost as if Meatheads have a vendetta against the top button of their polo shirt.

2. Plain ground beef patties

Ever go to a burger joint and see a veiny-faced gent order nothing but 6 plain hamburger patties? What the fuck–are you allowed to do that? I’m guessing all burger places have some sort of Meathead Secret Menu to keep their iron pumping customers at bay. Nobody wants an angry Meathead in their restaurant.

3. Those tall plastic cups with a lid and a metal shaker ball inside

shaker bottle 28oz blue-0These are hereby coined the Meathead Canteen. Meathead Canteens are a trademark utility tool that all Meatheads have on hand. Whether its to mix up their Black Powder Mega Booster Thunderfuck Creatine drink or to stir up a a nice protein shake (a.k.a. expensive chocolate milk), every Meathead needs one. Hell, I’ve seen them carry one around just for water. Swag over function?

4. Homemade muscle tee with a pathetic amount of fabric left

Muscle-Shirt-Gym-NippleIs there a reason why both nipples have to be out? Like, an accidental left nip here and there doesn’t do any harm, but permanent exposure of both nipples is inexcusable. At this point, it’s no longer about keeping the body cool–a statement is being made and I don’t like it one bit.

5. Affliction-branded anything

Affliction’s market segment is 100% Meathead. No exceptions.

6. Grunting

What’s the point of lifting unless everyone in the gym can hear every rep you do? Meatheads are not silent creatures. They establish their territory with completely unnecessary and unnatural noises, and nobody is going to stop them.  Never ask a Meathead if they need a spotter. Spotters = weakness. Weakness = failure.

7. Eggs per day

EGGPLATEIf you eat more than 6 eggs per day, then you are most likely a Meathead. Eggs have long been cherished by Meatheads as a bountiful source of protein, but come on–do you really have to push the biological reproductive limit of chickens to get 20 more grams of protein? On a side note: never order “egg whites” in front of a Meathead, I’ve heard that it really hurts them emotionally–the same way you would be hurt if I scalped you just to get a few of your hairs.

8. Shirtless flex pictures

channing-tatum-march-GQ-02152011-lead-350x300When it comes to showing off your physical prowess in photos, there are two general groups of offenders. 1) Blatant: those Meatheads that jump in at any opportunity to throw down a bicep flex in a group of scantily-clad females being photographed. 2) Subtle: If you aren’t watching closely, you might miss these guys. These Meatheads can be seen in many a shirtless picture with an ever so slight ab flex. “Damn, that guy has a solid 6 pack!” you might naively think. Little did you know, you have just witnessed the undercover Meathead.

steroid man9. Shaved head / military cut

While you can’t pinpoint a Meathead on hair style alone, you can definitely be suspicious. What other type of person (unless bald) would knowingly shave their head? The type of person who is trying to show off their neck and trap muscles (see shrugs), that’s who. Also, what’s the point of having forehead veins if they’re covered by hair?

10. Cargo shorts and athletic shoes

cargorunningNeed I say more? This functional outfit is perfect for Meatheads. Shorts allow for a full range of motion in case you need to bust out a set of 50 air squats in the middle of the Army Surplus Store. Of course, these shorts need to come equipped with at least 8 different pockets to store different Meathead essentials (pocket knife, weightlifting chalk, etc.). Finally, the athletic shoes give you the freedom to hit the gym at any time and to let everyone know how active you are.

And there you have it. Aside from the occasional closet Meathead, these guys are pretty easy to find. My advice? Steer clear, don’t talk about Obama, and DO NOT offer to spot them on the bench.