Racism: From the Perspective of an Outerspace Alien

Race is always a tricky topic because people are so sensitive damn about it, but it’s something that’s inherently broken about our culture–so it’s TGL’s duty to address it. Racial stereotyping is a human-created and human-sustained issue that really only still exists for two fundamental reasons: 1) the real, old racists haven’t died yet (hurry up and die) and 2) it’s funny to stereotype.

Children_(multi-ethnic)The whole idea of racism has completely morphed over the last few decades. Throughout the 20th century, race was generally used to subjugate and disenfranchise certain groups of people. While this behavior hasn’t been completely eradicated, we have made significant strides. Modern racism is primarily built upon stereotyping due to characteristics that are commonly associated with people of a certain race. The key terminology here is commonly associated. People nowadays are so offended about things said about their race that they forget that stereotypes exist because they are partially true.

In my opinion, the movement to kill racism needs to start by not getting so damn offended by racial stereotyping. When the fuck did everyone get so sensitive? To address this unnecessary sensitivity, I would like to make an objective “outer space alien” analysis on all of the major human “races” so that I can highlight the peculiarities of each race’s stereotypical behavior. If you think you will be offended by this post, please stop reading now. I will make fun of your race.

1. Blacks (Yes, that is the correct term. Believe it or not, all black people aren’t “African-American”)

Since America has really fucked over black people throughout history–and I’m American–I will give blacks the pleasure to get this post rollin’ along. When it comes to racial sensitivity, black people are always at the opposing extremes of the spectrum. What do I mean by this? For example, many black people will act like you just killed their whole family if you cut them in line (or do anything that is of the slightest disrespect), and then accuse you of cutting them in line because they’re black. Dude. I cut you because you I want my fucking milkshake right now, not because you’re black. It’s not a mystery why all the other races are secretly kind of scared of black people. But fortunately, the hypersensitive blacks are balanced out by the hyper-awesome “race-is-nothing-but-a-punch-line” blacks. These blacks will abuse their racial allowance at any cost to give you a good scare. Let’s take the cutting in line example again. The only thing different that happens is that your friendly, neighborhood black guy starts laughing to his friend about how he made you look like you shit your pants. Point!

We also need to discuss the word ‘nigga’. ‘Nigga’ is the only word ever invented that can double as a term of brotherly love and also the deepest hate from the bottom of your soul. Of course, the latter refers to ‘nigga’ with a hard letter R at the end (let’s just call this term “Hard-R” for the sake of not having to type it out–dreadful fucking word). One important point to make is that people give words meaning, they have no inherent value in and of themselves. Obviously Hard-R and ‘nigga’ have a long, storied history associated with hate and discrimination. However, it’s now 2013 and I think it’s high time we gave a giant middle finger to the racist fucks who ran this country for way too long. What better way to do that than to completely reverse the attitude associated with the word ‘nigga’?  Personally, if I could call everyone a ‘nigga’ I would: my professors, parents, siblings, kids, colleagues, everyone. It has the potential to be a truly awesome word. I can’t even begin to say how many times I’ve blurted out, “my nigga,” when a teammate scores a winning basket in pickup basketball. On the contrary, I can remember the one time I blurted out a Hard-R when my black teammate scored the game winner. Let’s just say our victory was bittersweet. Dont ever say Hard-R.

The Alien Says:  Black people, with great racial power comes great responsibility. You guys have the duty to keep all the other races on their toes. Tread lightly!

2. Whites

This one should really be separated into Euro-Whites and American-Whites because the two are just so absurdly contrasting–but we can’t give whites the pleasure of getting a double section so we’re lumping them all together (they have enough advantages). Notice how I just sort of put down whites? Can’t do that shit for blacks! White people are the opposite of black people in terms of what they’re allowed to say and what people are allowed to say to them. No white person is allowed to be publicly racist, and almost everyone is allowed to be racist to white people (not that there’s anything remotely funny about white jokes). In my opinion, the whole ‘white privilege’ thing gets kind of cancelled out–they get to have no fun!

While whites have the greatest societal advantage of every race, they suffer the severe limitations in allowable racial comedy. Also, they’re the only racial group not considered ethnic. That totally sucks! For everyone! That’s basically saying that white people are the norm of the human race and all other racial groups are deviations from the norm. So everyone ethnic is weird, and everyone white is plain. Nice job to the douchebag who coined that terminology. But as dumb as the whole ethnic thing is, it has some truths in it. White people are pretty fuckin’ plain. I mean, aside from the southern redneck American whites that have kids with 4 arms and 1 eyeball, the psychopath whites, and the morbidly obese whites, white people don’t really have that many stereotypes (unless you consider rich, happy, respected by their community, and hospitable as stereotypes). I don’t know if there is any other better way to achieve success in this world than simply being white.

The Alien Says: From a comedic standpoint, white people are actually getting the short end of the deal. From an everything-else standpoint, the whites managed to roll double 6’s.

3. Asians

Asians have an enormous number of outrageous stereotypes including but not limited to: being extremely cheap, having almost zero peripheral vision, and lacking the requisite skills to operate a vehicle. If you’ve ever seen The Fast and the Furious 3: Tokyo Drift, you know that the last one isn’t true (RIP Han, the real Drift King). Remember when I said earlier that almost everyone is allowed to be racist to whites? Well everyone is allowed to be racist to Asians. You know how I know this? Everyone is racist to Asians. Now the only thing left that I haven’t yet figured out is whether Asians just don’t care about racism or that they just don’t have anything to respond with. I guess we’ll never know.

I would say that the racism towards Asians, especially in America, is somewhat justified. Asians are indeed taking all of the spots at top universities, stealing local jobs, and being just plain better at doing their taxes. Those adept math and science bastards! Let’s make fun of them for their straight-forward ambitions and humble backgrounds!

The Alien Says: Whenever you’re feeling disappointed about your race, Asians will always be there to be your racial punching bag.

4. Indians (the kind from India, not the ones white people made up)

See “3. Asians”. Then add pungent, diarrhea-inducing food and an abundance of body hair.

The Alien Says: Aren’t Indians from Asia? I guess you get your own category if you have over a billion people.

5. Hispanics

Wassup boss! Oh man, if you ever want to get a Hispanic to like you, just call him/her boss. Hispanics love the word boss. I’m buddies with all of the local Chipotle workers purely because one time I called them all bosses. The result? My burritos are fucking massive now. Hispanic people are a hard working people that unfortunately get lumped into the generalized category of “Mexicans.” Obviously all Mexicans drive Ford Pintos, only eat rice and beans, and live in houses with 50 members of their extended family. While they do get the butt-end of a lot of racial stereotyping, Hispanics are some of the most loving and unconditionally friendly people.

When it comes to what you can and can’t say around Hispanics, we get something in between blacks and whites. You’ll get shanked if you cross the line, but that’s provided you cross the line–unlike blacks who might shank you just for accidentally breathing their air. Hispanics are very proud of their heritage, but thankfully understand that sometimes intentions are misinterpreted–how perceptive! They’re quite careful about what they say in terms of other races, but aren’t afraid to make fun of themselves from time to time. And their food is so fucking cheap. And delicious. Can’t really say anything bad about them.

The Alien Says: What? I wasn’t paying attention. This burrito was only $2.99! Thanks, boss.

6. Middle-Easterners

It’s hard to decide which race is most commonly stereotyped, but it could very well be Middle Easterners (MEs). As everyone knows, all people of ME descent must automatically be Muslims or terrorists. 9/11 was a really rough day for MEs, and it might be the single biggest stereotyping turning point in history. You can bet any ME trying to grow a long ass beard was livid when they saw the towers go down.  You can also bet that ME’s couldn’t do no-shave November with their white, black, Indian and Asian buddies (Asians suck at no-shave November though). Before 9/11, you really didn’t hear much about MEs, but after it was almost treasonous if you didn’t stereotype them. Show me a white police officer that didn’t at one time think all MEs were terrorists and I’ll show you an open LA freeway at 5 o’clock on Friday.

Another thing to notice about MEs is that no one seems to know what country they are actually from. Just as Hispanics all get lumped together as Mexicans, ME’s get grouped as Muslims and Arabs. This generalization is probably worse than that of Mexicans since people can’t even come up with an actual country to stereotype. Stupid fuckin’ white people. On the other hand, why are you wearing 45 blankets when it’s a hundred degrees outside? C’mon man.

The Alien Says: Whenever an ME you see is having a rough day, lend a helping hand. They’ve had a rough decade.

7. Pacific Islanders

You guys look Asian, sound Hispanic, but act black. What’s going on here?

The Alien Says: No comment. Sensory overload.

8. Mixed-Race People

By far the luckiest of all races. You get to be racist because you’re ‘multicultural’ and nobody can be racist to you because nobody knows what the fuck you are. Not only that, you’re likely to be better looking than all of the other races because for some reason when races mix they always create a whole that exceeds the sum of its parts. It’s cheating the system in my opinion. Low-confidence Asian (LCA) girls, please stop marrying nerdy white guys.

The Alien’s Final Word: Humans should be more like their pet dogs. Pet dogs have different “races” like their human companions, but they don’t discriminate. Instead they just fuck each other and make mixed babies. Humans, be like dogs.

TGL’s Final (and more serious) Note:

Racism has probably existed throughout much of human history–and it makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint: we’re really just sophisticated apes, still acting out our tribal instincts. As a result, certain groups of people are continuously trodden upon by others. Without a doubt, this behavior is completely unacceptable, and it’s time to dislodge our heads from our anuses and realize that we invent these bullshit distinctions between people because it’s part of our tribal nature. I’d like to hope that this categorization and separation of people into “teams” will one day become a thing of the past. While this clearly won’t be an easy transition to make since we are so deeply entrenched in this type of behavior, a good place to start is by being able to make fun of each other. There is perhaps no bigger barrier to friendship and understanding than that of sensitivity. For me personally, I can never consider someone a close friend unless I can tease them and they can tease me. Once we can begin to evaporate some of these barriers we have put between each other, we can start to join the same team. The human team. The geared team.