That guy who never seems to be around to pitch money for beer. That slightly squishy girl who’s always nibbling at your french fries like she’s trying to get to size 36. The roommate that used your toothbrush–to scrub the skidmarks off her toilet bowl. That girl who touched your penis and then said “jk lol”. Every politician. Lance Armstrong. This guy. What do these people all have in common? They are all smelly ratfucks.
What is a ratfuck you might ask? Well, if you look for the common denominator of all those previously mentioned, it’s at least clear that a ratfuck is a person we’d like to avoid. Before we continue with our analysis of ratfucks, ratfucking, and ratfuckery in general, let’s define our ground-level ratfuck.
1. A person who’s actions are–intentionally or unintentionally–of detriment to others in his/her social circle
2. An individual who has repetitively made progress at the expense of others’ belongings or reputation
3. A slimy fuck
At this point you should all be nodding your heads in agreement, thinking about that one ratfuck in your friend group. That one shitty guy who always somehow gets himself invited and never pays for anything. God damn it I hate ratfucks. And because murder is illegal, we have to learn how to put up with ratfucks while keep their ratfucking at bay, which brings up the point: what is exactly is ratfucking?
1. The act of using another person’s assets, social circle, or reputation as a stepping stone for one’s own gain
2. Refilling a sample cup 50 times at Yogurtland and then leaving
Even though all ratfucks are guilty of ratfucking, ratfucking doesn’t always make a ratfuck. I know this to be true because I’m constantly ratfucking Yogurtland and I’m definitely not a ratfuck. But beware, certain types of ratfucking definitely can and will lead to becoming a ratfuck. Let’s help discern ratfucking from being a ratfuck in some relevant examples.
Example 1: The one guy who works in the cubicle two spots down from you is constantly clicking his pen. This bastard will not stop clicking. Everyone’s pissed off but nobody has the balls to tell him to stop because he’s a notorious douchebag around the office. You decide that its time this guy needs a good ratfucking, so you steal all of his pens at night and superglue them all together. After that, you rub your poopy asshole all over that clump of pens and put them back in his desk. I dare you to click again you sweaty, bald fuck.
Verdict 1: Ratfucking a ratfuck is a perfectly legal move.
Example 2: You’re at a Superbowl party and that one sweet motherly girl in every group of friends just made a huge serving of guacamole for everyone to share. You really love guacamole, but so does everyone else. Because you forgot to eat lunch that day, you pile heaps of guacamole on each tortilla chip before throwing them into your greedy mouth. You realize that you’re ratfucking all the guac, but you justify it because you’re plain starving. Next thing you know, the chip-to-guac ratio has blown up. Sorry, not justified. You’re a ratfuck.
Verdict 2: Ratfucking the best part of a shared meal makes you a ratfuck. No exceptions.
Example 3: You’re at a college party and you’ve drank way too much. You’re completely belligerent, screaming at girls that look like they have nice personalities, and being an all-around douchebag. Suddenly, a fight breaks out outside of the party, and being the testosterone juiced meathead that you are, you run out to try and land a few punches. Unfortunately, the first guy you run into is a disabled student, struggling to wheelchair up the street late at night after a long studying session. In your blacked out rage, you beat this poor paraplegic bystander to a pulp. The next morning your friends tell you what you did, and you hang your head in shame as you realize you just curb stomped an innocent guy with no legs. You think to yourself, “man, I’m a complete ratfuck.” Pick your head up son. You may have ratfucked that poor kid, but you are not a ratfuck.
Verdict 3: Ratfucking is always fair game when blacked out drunk.
Example 4: You’re at Chipotle, you’re hungrier than Jared from Subway, but you don’t want to spend more than $8. So you do what any rational ratfucking human being would do. You ask for a double wrapped burrito with double everything that comes free (rice, beans, lettuce, salsa, cheese, fajita veggies). Fuck no I don’t want double meat or guac, does it look like I’m made of money? Then you unwrap chode burrito #1 and unload precisely half the contents into your other tortilla. The end result? Two mother fucking burritos. You, my friend, have ratfucked the shit out of Chipotle.
Verdict 4: Ratfucking corporations is not only legal, but highly encouraged.
Example 5: It’s Tuesday night around 6 pm, and your girlfriend–let’s call her Candace–has just come over to your apartment. She looks around the living room and notices empty Moosehead Lager bottles everywhere and scolds you for being so messy. You explain to her how rough of a day it was because you had an hour long class and had to walk all the way to Arby’s for the “two for $1” roast beef special (your buddy gave you a ride there). Understanding the absolute whirlwind of a day you just endured, Candace apologetically begins cleaning your entire apartment and preparing dinner. After devouring a delicious filet mignon that she paid for, you immediately tell Candace that you’re getting tired and want to hit the sack. At the very moment the front door closes behind her, your other girlfriend–let’s call her Constance–walks in the back door (because you’ve convinced her that it’s actually the front door) as if on cue. You yell at Constance for coming back so late and that you cleaned the apartment all by yourself. Constance, being the sweet girl that she is, feels terrible and proceeds to give you a blow job for 90 minutes. You fall asleep at the 13 minute mark. The ratfuck double switch has been perfectly executed.
Verdict 5: Ratfucking two girlfriends simultaneously is legal, unless you get caught–in which case it makes you a big time ratfuck and pariah of society. This rule applies to both genders.
As you and Stevie Wonder can see, the ruling on being a ratfuck or ratfucking is not so black and white. Often times, we have to go to back to the replay booth and really dissect what just happened. Like many other things, the qualifications of a ratfuck depend heavily on context. Didn’t tell the cashier at McDonald’s that she forgot to ring up your McRib? Good to go. Eat your roommate’s leftovers that you know they’ve been looking forward to? Go fuck yourself.
Final Verdict: Don’t be a ratfuck.