Despite our understanding of the dangers of chronic consumption of sugary or grain-based foods and their ability to influence your body’s hormonal status, we’re guilty of running train on unhealthy snacks from time to time. Because we try to minimize the number of these snack-crushing occasions, we’ve become experts in the choosing the best possible snacks. We don’t recommend you to eat any of the following items, but think of this post as a guideline for those moments where you find yourself blacked out at a 7-Eleven, demanding that the cashier feed you. Use this only for life or death situations. Now, let us introduce to you the TGL Big Board for the top 10 snacks of all time.
Hi-Chews, the notorious conversation killers, the end all to any late night smoking session. These delicious little rectangular prisms are far superior to their red-head stepchild, Starburst, in both taste and endurance. Unfortunately, they have the deadly power to keep the mouth fully occupied for extended periods of time. Hi-Chews are durable enough to have a gum-like lifespan but also sticky enough to prevent full mouth widening. The ability to correctly operate your mouth is a crucial aspect for social interaction, making Hi-Chews potentially detrimental, or incredibly useful–depending on circumstance. Found yourself stuck in a conversation with that guy who has a propensity for telling stories, but couldn’t possibly be any less interesting? Pop in some Hi-Chews. However, if you find yourself eating Hi-Chews frequently amongst friends, you run the risk of removing yourself from your social circle.
Verdict: Eating Hi-Chews can lead to loneliness.
9. Snicker’s Ice Cream Bars
The SIC Bar could actually be the most delicious snack on this list. Found in most “mystery ice chests” at gas stations, the SIC Bar is basically a frozen snickers bar stuffed with ice cream and a more-fluid-than-usual caramel. So why is the SIC Bar so low on the list if it’s so fucking dank? It has balls value. Like, if Jabba the Hutt didn’t shower for 4 weeks, balls. These things can cost up to 3 whopping dollars, and provide a maximum of 4 bites. At a minimum 75 cents per bite rate, SIC Bars are really only available for the upper income tax brackets. You can bet Warren Buffet and Bill Gates have a secret stash of SIC Bars in their houses.
Verdict: Money doesn’t grow on fucking trees–but when it does–I’m bee-lining straight to the SIC Bars.
8. Oreo Cookies
Oreos have defied the laws of the cookie universe. It’s common knowledge that crunchy cookies suck dick; if it’s not chewy I’m not eating it. Mass-produced cookies are generally–and unfortunately–crunchy due to the increased costs associated with manufacturing chewy cookies, and Oreos are no exception. But they are an exception to crunchy cookies sucking dick. Oreos have managed a formula that makes them both crunchy and delicious. How is this possible? My hypothesis is that the cookie part and cream part, both of which individually are disgusting, generate some kind of nuclear fusion reaction in the mouth, producing a new phase of matter that recapitulates the sensation of “chewy.” Oh and by the way, and everything flavored “cookies ‘n’ cream” (a top 5 flavor of anything) is actually just Oreo flavored. Mind fucked.
Verdict: Why would you ever separate the cream from the cookies? Yin and yang belong together.
Goldfish makes this list for one reason and one reason only: you can eat infinity of them. Goldfish aren’t particularly delicious not to mention their composition by mass is 1% Goldfish and 99% air, but their crushability is unparalleled. The Garfielding potential on Goldfish is through the roof! Eating Goldfish is all about achieving steady-state paste formation and paste consumption in the mouth. Paste you ask? The orange-colored grit that forms in your mouth after your first 25 Goldfish, the stuff that attempts to glue your tongue to the roof of your mouth–that paste. Achieving steady-state paste allows for a steady flow of Goldfish intake, keeping the snacking urges satiated for long periods of time. And let’s be honest, is there anything more satisfying to hold in your arms than a megacarton (yes they’re called megacartons) of Goldfish? You might as well be holding the Excalibur as far as I’m concerned. I guess I’ll stop raving about these little guys and let the paste do the talking.
Verdict: Once they start selling goldfish in paste form… my god.
6. Spitz Sunflower Seeds
Spitz seeds are the Ironman of all snacks. With two bucks, you can buy a bag of Spitz the size of Pamela Anderson’s left tit, allowing for long term munching for all-day events. Got a baseball game to watch? Spitz. Is it Sunday? Spitz. Power outage? Spitz. Have to pretend like you’re reading this post? Fucking Spitz. Spitz bags contain the same exact seeds you get in David bags, but way more fucking seeds! Why would you ever buy any other brand of seeds? They come in all of the classic flavors, with my personal favorite being “Cracked Pepper”. With just the perfect amount of kick, these Spitz seeds don’t overwhelm the taste buds but keep things interesting. Sort of like oral sex in a hot shower.
Verdict: It’s once took my entire family a week to finish a bag of Spitz.
5. Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Frito Lay used a brilliant marketing ploy by creating the Chester Cheetah character. I mean who wouldn’t want to be a badass cheetah slinking around with sunglasses, a boss chin beard, and a British accent? Even without the advertising scheme, Cheetos are still incredibly dank. These ingenious wafer-like chips melt in your mouth with a distinctly artificial, yet nonetheless spectacular cheesy flavor.
Frito Lay really stepped their game up when they introduced the Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. The idea for this concoction actually came from a worker in the Cheetos assembly line who noticed a defect in the processing that left the chips cheese-less. He took some of these plain chips home, put a mixture of chili spices on them and was amazed at how they tasted. He was able to pitch the recipe to the CEO of Frito Lay and the rest is history. Talk about the American dream. While Flamin’ Hot Cheetos aren’t actually “hot” in the least bit, they certainly give you a nice kick in the gooch that you just don’t get with original Cheetos. The real advantage of FHCs is the red film on your fingers after you’ve devoured the bag. I’ve many a times bit down hard on a finger in hopes of it being another FHC–a pain that reminds you of how dank the bag you just crushed was. I fucking love that film. There must also be some kind of ingredient in these chips that make them particularly vulnerable to rapid consumption. Whereas you can truly savor a bag of gummy worms, Flamin’ Hot Cheetos somehow hack your nervous system and get your hand to oscillate back and forth between bag and mouth until they’re finished. And you know what? That’s OK with me. You can have my nervous system Chester.
Verdict: I want to spread that film like peanut butter on toast.
4. Reese’s Fast Break
I think most of us can agree that Reese’s peanut butter cups are pretty fucking dank. Something about the combination of the milk chocolate crust with the creamy peanut butter core gets me erect for more than 4 hours–somebody call the doctor. All of a sudden, Hershey decides to throw us a curveball and bring nougat into the mix with the amazing Reese’s Fast Break. Most of you probably know what nougat looks like (it makes up 99.99% of a Three Musketeers bar), but actually have no fucking clue what it is. After some serious investigative work on Wikipedia, I learned that nougat is basically a sugar, egg white, nut mix that is reduced to a delicious, gelatinous substance. In any case, the addition of nougat to the peanut butter/chocolate team was an huge power move by Hershey, and the naming scheme couldn’t have been more suitable. Enjoying a Reese’s Fast Break is almost as easy as a LeBron James 360 windmill dunk with no defense. The added nougat is not only delicious in and of itself, but it contrasts superbly with the peanut butter/chocolate mix, creating one of the most versatile candy bars on the market. Well done Hershey, well done.
Verdict: If Snicker’s and Reese’s had a baby, and that baby had another baby with Michael Jordan, it would be the Reese’s Fast Break.
If you think you’ve never heard of Gardetto’s, it’s probably just because you haven’t eaten any since the 4th grade when you jacked them from that 200-pound kid you ate lunch next to. They are a delicious, salty mix of pretzels, breadsticks, and rye chips. If you’re a Gardetto’s expert, you know that there is a hierarchical society within a bag of ‘dettos. The pretzels and breadsticks build up the bulk of the peasant population, while the rye chips enjoy the sweet life of nobles. Anyone who tries to tell you differently should be sent straight to the guillotine. Let’s be honest, if rye chips aren’t the top notch item in Gardettos, then why the fuck did General Mills come out with a Special Recipe garlic-roasted rye chips-only product? If you’re successfully able to put down the entire bag of rye chips in one sitting (no water), then we need to speak immediately. Not only have you joined the Gardetto’s Hall of Fame, but you may need a ride to the emergency room. The people have spoken. And they demand rye chips.
Clearly, Gardetto’s are severely dank. No question about it. But what separates these guys from the rest of the pack is the volume. The Gardetto’s engineering team has achieved a feat that should soon be honored with a Nobel Prize. They have successfully packed 128 oz of mix into an 8 oz bag, clearly defying the physical laws of the universe. While the mechanism remains a mystery, many speculate that some kind of wormhole exists at the bottom of the bag that connects Planet Earth to a far-off Gardetto’s-based haven. Whatever the mechanism, it’s always a nice, tasty surprise when you have been eating Gardetto’s ravenously for 45 minutes and you’re only 1/4 the way through the bag. For a price of around $3-4, the value simply cannot be beat. Long live ‘dettos.
Value: 1 divided by 0
Verdict: Why aren’t we feeding the entirety of the developing world with a bag of Gardettos?
Donettes have made an impressive case for the most garbage time food in history. If you haven’t crushed donettes in an altered state of consciousness past 2 am in a Chevron parking lot, then you, my friend, have not lived. Countries have fought wars over which of the three flavors of Donettes (chocolate, frosted, or crumb) rules them all. The only way to inject meaningful discourse into this debate is to understand three things: context, context, and context. Whereas the chocolate donuts slide down your throat with minimal resistance, the powdered ones offer a little more friction. But then again, that white powder gives you the crack-cocaine feeling you can’t really get from chocolate. For me, crumb-flavored Donettes are the X factor. They have an intriguing, buttery taste and the extra-curricular crumbs can be an excellent opportunity for Garfielding.
In order to graduate to the level of true Donette royalty, you must understand how to properly consume these tasty little nuggets. Here’s how you do it: open the package on one end and lift it carefully to mouth level. Hold the closed end of the package with your left hand and use your right hand to gently massage the Donettes out, from back to front. If you are having trouble picturing this in your head, it’s the same way as you would eat tubes of Gogurt. I’ve heard many a peasant say they enjoy licking the frosting from their fingers, but this is just blasphemy. You must never let your skin contaminate the gentle exterior of a Donette.
Verdict: One box of donettes is known to take a year off of your life expectancy.
1. Sour Gummy Worms
Sour mother fucking gummy worms. The big, athletic older brother of the original gummy worm tops our list of snacking foods. The sour gummy worm, or shwerm, boasts an unbeatable balance of sour, sweet, chewy, and aesthetic appeal. There’s something truly special about seeing a bag of artificially colored neon worms waiting to get deep throated. Nobody knows what each color is supposed to taste like except that they’re all fucking delicious. Personally, my favorite are the half-blue, half-red shwerms, but I couldn’t tell you why other than the fact that I like the colors blue and red. Strategies for eating shwerms include 1) biting half of the shwerm off to isolate the “flavors,” 2) fisting at least six at a time and 3) dangling them one at a time hopelessly over your wide-open mouth, as they await their impending doom. There is no reason to deviate from these three shwerm-eating strategies. Finally, the most important factor that makes shwerms our highest rated snack is its flavor scalability with the number of bong loads taken. All other snacks saturate in deliciousness after a certain number of nugs roasted, but shwerms? Shwerms just keep getting better.
Dankness: 10 divided by 0
Verdict: The best sex I’ve ever had was with a bag of sour gummy worms.
Honorable Mention: Snickers Bites, Dibs, Sour Patch Kids, Swedish Fish, Kirkland Mixed Nuts, Twix Ice Cream Bar, Bugles