For all of you who suffer the wrath of the radio on your commute to and from work, I have a special surprise for you. Introducing TGL’s latest new series: “Terrible Song Lyrics,” where we’re going to systematically shit on every stupid song we can think of. Now, if you’ve read our post about The Hype Machine, then you know that most of mainstream music gives us the spontaneous urge to take shots of bleach, no chaser. We’re sure that this sentiment is shared with most of you guys.
To start the series off, I’m going to bring in my least favorite, half-midget, music-stealing fuck–Bruno Mars:
At a whopping 5″5, Bruno Mars has to hire the tiniest backup dancers so that he doesn’t look like a pre-pubescent 7th grader. Fortunately, Bruno Mars is just his stage name–his real name is Peter Gene Hernandez. Peter Gene Hernandez! Are you telling me that he had a chance to totally redeem his parents’ pedophiliac name choice, and he went with Bruno Mars? Nice save. After taking a dive into some of these lyrics, we’ll start to see that, well, choosing the name Bruno may have been fitting after all.
I’d catch a grenade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
You know I’d do anything for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Oh, I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for you, baby
But you won’t do the same
God I love hating this song. So clearly we have some sort of fucked up love song where in the intro (not shown above), Bruno is talking about how his girl treats him like shit (you go girl); and then he starts going through all of the things he would do for this girl. Bruno, you would catch a grenade for her? Why the fuck would you catch a grenade for her? If someone threw a grenade at your girl and you caught it, it would explode in your hands and you would both die you fucking idiot. I think the term you were looking for was dive on a grenade, which would effectively shield her from the blast and splatter your useless body 15 feet in each direction. Of all the things you could’ve done to a grenade flying in your direction (bat away, dropkick, dodge, run, headbutt, karate chop), you chose the only action that would result in a guaranteed death for you and your lover–catching the fucking thing.
Next, you would throw your hand on a blade for her. I’m not sure if she’s being attacked or if there’s just a knife sitting on the kitchen table–either way it sounds fucking retarded. You went out of your way to throw your hand on the knife, a real gesture of true love if I’ve ever heard one. If the person I loved threw their hand on a blade just to prove they loved me, I’d call the police and send them to an insane asylum. Nice try Bruno, she’s not biting.
And then my favorite one: you would jump in front of a train for her. Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me. Do you think your 5″5, 102 pound frame is going to stop a train? Look Bruno, the only reasons why your girl would be standing in front of a train is because 1) she realizes that shes with you and wants to kill herself, or 2) she knows that you’re dumb enough to jump in front of a fucking train to try and save someone. Somebody get this guy a train to jump in front of for our sake.
Bruno basically finishes up by saying he’s gonna take a bullet to the brain just for his girl. I’m a little confused at this proposition. Does the bullet really have to achieve full cranial penetration and reach the brain? Apparently this chick won’t fuck if that bullet only gets half way through his skull. “Nope, no pussy for you Bruno, that shit better be all the way inside yo dome.” Couldn’t he have moved a little so that the bullet hits a non-vital area, allowing him to survive and therefore continue loving his girl? Nope. Brain it is. This song is actually starting to make me feel bad for Mr. Mars. It’s like I’m expecting the next line to be “I would jump off a cliff for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)”…Moving on…
“The Lazy Song”
Today I don’t feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don’t feel like picking up my phone, so leave a message at the tone
‘Cause today I swear I’m not doing anything
Nothing at all, (hoo hoo) (hoohoo) (hooooo) nothing at all
Tomorrow I’ll wake up, do some P90X
Find a really nice girl, have some really nice sex
And she’s gonna scream out
This is great
(Oh my god, this is great)
Yeah, I might mess around
And get my college degree
I bet my old man will be so proud of me
But sorry paps, you’ll just have to wait
Fuck this song. This song is a middle finger to everyone who has ever worked hard for anything in their lives. The message of the song is that Bruno doesn’t feel like doing anything one day so he just doesn’t fucking do anything. Then, the next day, just to prove the point that he didn’t do shit the day before, he does everything! In a day! I mean, day one, he’s so lazy that he doesn’t even pick up his fucking phone. Not all of us get the pleasure to just take a day off for no reason Bruno, but I’m glad you’re happy. I bet nobody ever calls you so you never have to pick up that phone anyways. And to rub it all in, on day two he manages to do P90X, fuck a girl, and get a college degree. It took me four fucking years to get my first college degree and Bruno pulled it off in a day. Eat a dick Bruno Mars.